Re-Made in China

I feel numb.

That’s the text I sent my mom this morning when I woke up. Actually, it’s only a snippet of the text. As we messaged back and forth—and my brother chimed in from time to time—I told my family some of the stuff I’ve been wrestling with since I got back to Shanghai. The biggest thing is that I never planned out the ending. I spent four months getting ready to leave for China. I imagined what it would look like when I arrived. I imagined the food. I imagined the homesick nights. I imagined the panic of being lost and the joy of making discoveries….but I never imagined what my final days would look like.

Yu Cui texted me to say that she would not be able to meet up with us tonight so we would have to say “goodbye” over WeChat.

I texted back a frowning face with a tear.

Please don’t. She replied. If you look sad, then I think maybe it’s better not to say goodbye.

I’m actually really bad at goodbyes I admitted.

Let’s say ‘See you next time’ then she suggested.

Around the same time I got a text from Vivi saying that my suitcase had arrived. She suggested I come to the office to have lunch with her, John, and Yang Renjun so I could pick it up.

I went back to my room, changed my clothes, shaved, and got ready to go. My hostel is actually in a pretty nice part of town. It’s definitely not as urban feeling as my apartment was, but it really feels like the essence of Shanghai. That said, it is about 50 minutes away from everything in town. Riding the subway, I couldn’t help but notice that every song my iPhone shuffled to was a sad song about endings.

I really need to get new music I thought.

Ironically, I took the wrong exit going out of the metro. I would up in the middle of the park where Vivi had shown us her secret place. There were tons of old people practicing Tai Chi, and I noticed a bunch of statues of exotic animals I hadn’t been able to see in the dark the other night. I also had to smile at the weather. The blue sky was again gorgeous and the temperature (while still a lit hot) was the nicest it has been in a while.

When I walked into the office, Vivi pointed to a large box in the corner.

“Cool!” I said.

“Don’t say that until you opened it,” John said.

Vivi gave be a box cutter and I pulled my bag out of my suitcase. It was perfect! It actually looks almost identical to the one I bought in Germany, except it is blue and white instead of blue and red.

“Congrats on getting a non-black bag,” John said. “We have some luggage that is great and we don’t want to get rid of it, but it’s black and looks like every other bag coming out of the shoot.” That is the nice thing about my German suitcase; you can always recognize it.

Vivi ordered delivery. She got me and John both the restaurant special, which was sausage, cabbage, and rice. John paid for my lunch and we all went to the kitchen to eat.

“Do you miss American food,” John asked.

“Not really,” I said. “I mean I’m looking forward to having it, but I think if I really wanted to, I could find a lot of the same stuff here. I mean those Mex & Co burritos don’t really compare to the real stuff.”

“Well if you eat enough of them, you forget what the real stuff tastes like,” John said.

I laughed. “I think it’s easier to find American food here in China than it is to find traditional Chinese food back in the states.”

“Yeah but Chinese food in the states is still good,” he said. “I mean are you really going to stop eating it because it’s not traditional?”

“Probably not,” I said. “But even though it’s different from over here, it will be a long time before I eat Chinese food again.”

When we went back to the office I asked them about a tea market that I had heard about. They looked it up but weren’t familiar with it.

“Everything with tea is kind of a scam in China,” John warned me.

“Young people don’t drink much tea,” Yang Renjun added. “Only old traditional people.”

“Yeah, you’ll probably get to taste a lot of tea, you won’t be able to tell the difference between any of it, and then you’ll get a really stern sales pitch to buy some overly priced tea to take home,” John said.

“You can buy better tea in the supermarket,” Vivi added. “But I do not like tea.”

They had sufficiently talked me out of the tea tour.

Jazlyn works half days and when she arrived, she and John got to work on a project. Vivi was going to help me buy some more gifts that evening so I told everyone I’d be back at 5:30. Taking my suitcase back to the hostel I started packing.

Packing proved more difficult than I expected. While I haven’t necessarily acquired a lot of things since I came, the things I have acquired are awkward in size. I eventually got it all to fit, only to realize I would still need room for the gifts I was buying and the pile of dirty laundry on the floor (which is only two shirts, two shorts, and two pairs of underwear, so no I am not taking my laundry home to my mother for once.)

About 3:00 I got a text from Bryan. He was wishing me well and asking about my last few days in China. We both agreed that we were ready for a break from China, but that we weren’t quite ready for the excitement to be over.

He also warned me that a lot of the kids he’s been working with have been running into flight delays due to military flight drills in Shanghai. A delay for me would be very bad. I currently only have 40 minutes on the ground for my layover in Tokyo. I can probably make that, IF we take off on time and IF we land on time and IF I don’t have to go through customs and IF the gates aren’t located at separate terminals (I am packing a change of clothes and a sleeping bag in my carry on in case I get stranded.

Luckily, so far (you know 12 hours out), my flight is on time.

About 3:30 I decided to out for one last cultural experience. Taking the metro back over by work, I went and got one last chinese massage. This time—since it wasn’t all new to me—I was able to relax and really enjoy each manipulation of my muscles. Everything seemed to relax and melt away—every market in Suzhou, every step up Huangshan, every bus ride in Qian Dao Hu, every plane ride to Japan, every airport seat in Hong Kong, every bike ride in Beijing, every hot day in Xi’an, and every couch, bunk bed, and train car that I’ve slept in—it all disappeared.

I got to the office a little early and hung out while they finished working.

“Yu Cui had a lesson canceled,” Vivi said, “so you can say goodbye. She will be here soon. I think God wanted it this way.”

I smiled. It did seem to have a funny way of working out.

John was the first goodbye. “Thanks for a great summer, I told him. “I learned so much, I had so much fun, and I definitely have an idea of the types of jobs I want to do going back.”

“That’s good to hear,” he said. “If you’re ever back in China, let us know if you need anything. We’ll be here and we’d love to see you again.”

Yu Cui was next. She gave me a big hug and said, “Until next time, right?”

“Yes,” I said. “Until next time!”

Jazlyn, Vivi, Yang Renjun, and I walked to the metro.

“I am going for a massage,” Yang Renjun said, “So I cannot go to shopping with you guys. But it was nice to meet you. We will meet again in Chengdu someday.”

“Yes!” I said. “Thank you for all of the lessons. We will definitely meet again someday.”

“I’ll look you up on Facebook when I get back to the states,” Jazlyn said.

“Awesome! And we can email until then?” I suggested.

“Sounds good,” she said.

We parted ways and Vivi and I went to Tianzifang to pick up some gifts.

Vivi had arranged for us to meet with her friend Claire who lives in Tianzifang. She thought that a more “local” guide might be able to help us find some good deals. At first, she was only taking me to stores that Chinese people would shop at. They had very nice things, but they weren’t exactly Chinese-y. They were more practical items if you lived in China…like furniture.

We did eventually start winding around through the little merchant shops. Vivi was able to help me haggle more or less successfully. She thought I paid too much for most of the items, but with the exchange rate, I got all of them for much less than they would cost in the US (and I was under budget for what I’d planned to spend on gifts.)

When we finished, Claire asked if we would come back to her apartment. She has an interview next week with a Swiss company and they sent her some practice interview questions. She wanted to know if I would read them to her (so she could hear the English) and then critique her responses (to see if I could understand her english.)

Her apartment reminded me a lot of Helen’s from Suzhou. We sat in a sitting room that was attached to her bedroom. She brought us bottled water, chocolates, and fruit (which I did not touch because diarrhea on an 18 hour plane ride sounds awful—pardon the imagery.) As we practiced she was weaving a bracelet to give me as a token of thanks for helping her.

It was interesting going through the practice with her. Vivi was frequently have to translate back and forth between us. I tried to give her a few tips for interviewing with a westerner. For example, in China, it is very acceptable to want money and to talk about wanting money. When I asked her “Why do you want this job?” her response was “because it pays a good salary.” For “where do you see yourself five years from now?” she said “maybe I will own my own car.” Vivi joined me in explaining that these answers would not work as well for Westerners as they would in China.

Vivi was a harsh interviewer herself. She would follow up a lot of the scripted questions with “Why?” and “Explain more?” She definitely has a good knowledge of Western culture and was able to give some really strong interviewing tips.

“I think you’ll make a good boss someday,” I told her.

She blushed, “Thank you!”

I recorded a few English sentences for Claire to listen to so that she could hear the questions a few more times before the interview. When we finished the practice we needed to wait for a bit while she finished spinning the bracelet.

“We need some music,” Vivi said.

“I have a song,” I said pulling out my iPhone.

“Is it pop or soft,” Vivi said. I knew that Vivi preferred soft music.

“It’s soft,” I said. “It’s one of my favorite travel songs.”

I played “The Call” by Regina Spektor. It’s not a very popular song, but it talks about leaving a place, holding onto memories, and returning someday when the time is right. I listened to the song a lot before I left for Europe; now it feels appropriate to listen to it again.

“I also saved some quotes about travel,” I told Vivi. “I think you will like them.”

I pulled up a website of travel quotes on my phone and read them to her. Many of them made her say, “Oh yes.”

“I think traveling is a like a fairy tale,” Vivi said. “You get to go to some new world and experience new things with some interesting people. It is your own adventure and it changes you forever.”

“I agree,” I said. “Even if your not fighting a dragon, you certainly have an adventure.”

“And I like meeting people from different places in the hostels,” Vivi said. “But it is always so hard when they leave.”

“I know,” I said. “You get to know them for such a short time, and they feel like friends, and then its just over.”

“Yes,” she said.

“In some ways, I think travel reminds you that you have a heart,” I said. “You learn to love people and places, and then you feel it break when it’s all over.”

When Claire finished the bracelet, she fastened it on my wrist. It apparently was the first one she’d ever made so she took pictures to send her friends. Vivi explained that it was a traditional gift to give people during some festivals. You never made it for yourself, but only to give away. The knot that fastens it cannot be undone with one hand so you need someone to put it on and take it off for you. Wearing it is supposed to bring good luck.

“You can walk to your hostel,” Vivi said. “It is very close.”

“That’s okay,” I said. “I cant take the metro once I go home so tonight is my last chance.” Plus I still had ten rides left  on my card so I might as well burn them.

Claire walked us to the metro and we said goodbye to her and rushed for the escalator so we wouldn’t miss the last train of the night.

“I have to apologize for my friend,” Vivi said. “In China, when you help someone with some shopping or something, it is okay to assume that they also have time to do a favor for you. But I know in Western cultures it is not like this. I know it is more polite to ask ahead of time and make the plans so I am sorry.”

“No need to apologize,” I said. “It was fun and I don’t mind at all.”

As we rode through the subway Vivi asked, “How will you celebrate your graduation next year?”

“I don’t know,” I shrugged with a laugh. That still seems really far away. “Maybe with a trip. I am thinking about going to Peru to see Machu Pichu.”

“That would be nice,” Vivi said.

“And probably celebrate with friends too,” I said. Then I smiled. “Or maybe a trip with friends.”

“Yes,” Vivi said. “I think that is the best idea.”

“Me too,” I said. “You know when I traveled Europe, part of the fun was doing it alone. I was so scared, but every city that I figured out, I felt like I had really accomplished something. I went home from Europe realizing I could take care of myself in so many ways and that I could do so many cool things. I thought when I came to China it would be the same. And traveling alone was really cool. I mean when you do something hard and realize you did it all by yourself, it’s amazing.

“It will be unforgettable experience for you,” Vivi said.

“Absolutely!” I agreed. “But now I have two life changing trips that I experienced alone. I can tell the stories but no one was actually there to make the memories with me. They’re just my memories—which is cool in a way—but it’s also a little lonely to think about. I think whatever my next trip is, I won’t go alone. Maybe by then I’ll have a girl friend or at least a group of friends that like to travel too.”

“Yes,” Vivi agreed. “I think part of what makes memories special are sharing them with friends.”

“I agree,” I told her.

“I believe that experiences are okay, but the special parts of life come from the people you have the experiences with,” she added.

“I think that’s true. I don’t think people were created to be alone,” I told here. “I think we need each other.”

We caught the train and rode it to a transfer stop. Again we were going in different directions on line 7. As we got to the platform and my train arrived, I felt a little lump in my throat. I didn’t want to say goodbye to any of them—John, Yu Cui, Yang Renjun, Jazlyn, or Vivi—but having Vivi as the last goodbye was the hardest. Saying goodbye to her made it official. In reality, she was probably the last person I was going to talk to before leaving China (it’s amazingly easy to navigate airports by pointing and smiling.)

“Well goodbye,” she said and wrapped her arms around me. As she hugged me, I realized for the first time how much shorter than me she was. But even so, she was strong, and she just about knocked me off balance.

“I’ll see you again,” I told her.

“Yes,” she said. “Have safe trip. And enjoy your family.”

“I will,” I said. “And you keep in touch. Message me on WeChat sometime.”

“Yes,” she said letting me go. “Now, see you later?”

“See you later?” I said.

I hate this I thought as I got on the train. I realize now that the reason I do things alone is I can’t handle the goodbyes that come at the end.

When I got to my next transfer stop, I discovered the metro was closed for the night. Ironically, that would have been my last subway ride, but now my adventures with public transportation were over. Luckily, one of the security guards spoke English and she was able to write the intersection of my hostel for me in Chinese so I could catch a cab.

And now here I am. My bags are (mostly) packed. My flight leaves in just 12 hours. I’ve decided, I’m excited to go home. After Europe, I was so determined to hang on to the memories, I never really “went home.” I know now that the memories will always be unforgettable, but if I cling to the past, I’ll never be able to enjoy the present (I have to thank my friend Bonnie for sending me a wonderful quote about this, but I’m not sure I should publish it here J.)

I’m going enjoy American food, appreciate American customer service, speak English and love hearing it, and take adventures in my own city, state, and country while I’m there. Of course I’ll also be scheming my next adventure…but in the meantime, I also have a lot of new ideas for my future. I want to invest in new relationships, pursue some new career ideas, and start thinking about what part of the globe I want to come call home.

Until then…I’m ready to go home.