Waking Up

I was home. I came up the escalator at the airport. There were my parents. With a big smile, I walked to them and hugged them. The whole ride home, we laughed and it felt great to be home. The next day, people from scouts and church and work all came over. We sat around talking until someone asked me, “How was china?” All of a sudden, I was confused. I remembered going to China. I remembered John and Vivi and Yang Renjeng and Wute. I remembered Nate and eating noodle. I remembered showing Bryan, Johnny, and Emily around, but I didn’t remember anything else. I didn’t remember going anywhere, I didn’t remember how my internship ended, and I didn’t remember coming home.

All of a sudden, I was angry. There was so much I’d wanted to do in China and now I couldn’t remember any of it. It went so fast! Did I do everything I wanted to? Why didn’t I do more? I wish I had more time!

The more I thought about it, the more I realized it didn’t make any sense. Slowly, I realized I must be dreaming and the realization woke me up.

I looked at the clock. It was 9:00. My train was in twelve hours. I needed to do laundry, pack, catch up on a little bit of work for school, and get ready for work on Monday (since I’m swapping around some days this next week.)

As I got out of bed, I thought more about the dream I’d just had. I thought about the “thoughts” that had been racing through my head. It went so fast! Did I do everything I wanted to? Why didn’t I do more? I wish I had more time! Clearly my brain is trying to tell me something. I went back to my blog and read a few of the posts I wrote before I left China. There was a lot I’d wanted to do when I came, and I actually have done some of it. Having just over 6 weeks left in China, it suddenly feels like the pressure is on to fight to fit in the rest.

It’s funny though; I think back to my night in Seattle and it feels like a lifetime ago. My brother’s graduation feels like it was years ago and my last day of work before I left for China is a blurry memory. I’ve been here for 20 days but it feels so much longer…and at the same time, it’s flying by. I’ve already been at my job for two weeks, but those eight days have been a blur. It’s kept me busy and I’ve learned a ton!

And even though it has gotten harder this past week, I’m really glad I’ve had this experience. I knew that thought processes were different in China, and while I still can’t figure out exactly what they are, I’m starting to pick up on how they impact life. It’s really cool to see “China” after hearing so many stories of the ominous power house country. I can’t exactly put my finger on how, but I do find my world view shifting—which is what I flew 5,000 miles for, so I’d say this mission is starting to be successful.

I did a few loads of laundry. While I was hanging things around the room to dry, Vivi texted me about a ticket she had found to Huangshen. It was very cheap and she offered to order it for me so that I could pay her on Monday. I asked her to go ahead and get it.

My stomach has been a bit upset today—no doubt from all of the crazy spicy food last night—but I don’t feel too puny. With a load of whites on the “quick cycle” I went to lunch with Nate. I attempted to order my own lunch. In my best attempt at Chinese pronunciation I asked for chicken with noodles, but I wound up with chicken and rice (close enough.)

After lunch, I hung out in the lobby of the building to use the WiFi. The internet connection in our room the past few days hasn’t been working real well. Nate had trouble with it ever since we got here, but the past few days it has been working for him and I haven’t been able to connect with much regularity.

I made a post on my blog and then surfed around Facebook and LinkedIn. It was fun seeing photos of what various friends are doing over the summer, and I seem to know a lot of people that are travelling abroad right now. But the one thing that really hit me was an article on LinkedIn. In it, the author used a Shakespeare quote. I’m not exactly sure what play it is from (although I am guessing The Tempest) but the line went, “When the sea was calm, all ships alike showed mastership in floating.”

It made me smile. I think that is one of the reasons I like travel: it accelerates life and tests your ability to cope with and rebound from daily obstacles. You find out just how buoyant you are by rather the hard times drag you down or make you smarter.

I went back to my room and started to pack. Bryan had warned me that their sleeping arrangements got shuffled around for this weekend so I needed to plan on bunking on the floor. I knew that probably wasn’t going to be super restful, so I took a quick 90 minute nap. When my alarm went off, I got in the shower.

As I was rinsing off, still not thrilled about this whole sleeping on the ground idea, I reminded myself I studied abroad: I can sleep anywhere. It was true. I’d slept in some noisy hostels, some hard airport benches, loud and rickety train cars, and even a restaurant or two in Paris. It’s actually fun how often I’ve reminded myself how much I learned by studying abroad.

But as I turned off the water, I thought for maybe the first time since I arrived, but this isn’t studying abroad. I told myself frequently before I left that it won’t be the same as Prague and it’s only the first time once but I think some small part of me hadn’t completely accepted that yet. I think part of my brain has been thinking this is just the “not-as-good-as-the-first” sequel to studying abroad.

I realize now that’s not true.

Studying Abroad was this awesome opportunity to go off and get lost by myself and in the process, through the help of many people I met abroad, I found myself. I learned to trust myself and be myself (and to trust and care about other people.) I got see the world through a different lens, and that lens has helped me look at my own life and see it differently.

But this, this is interning abroad. I guess I expected to just pick up where I left off in Europe. Now I’m realizing this isn’t just a different chapter, it’s an entirely different story. It’s not so much about building on what I learned in Europe, but it’s actually starting over to build something totally knew. Once again, I’m learning a lot more about myself than I expected to, and I’m getting the opportunity to really ask the hard questions about the world.

I think this is part of the reason I’ve been so frustrated this past week. I never expected coming to China to be so hard. Studying abroad had presented a lot challenges. A lot of things about life in Europe forced me to confront some of my values and beliefs. I truly believe that each “hard thing” I went through helped me grow. When I was planning this trip, I figured I’d had all my ah-ha moments. I assumed that I was just going to get to apply what I’d learned. I wasn’t ready to be challenged again; but now that I’m here, I’m really glad it’s shaping up to be a life altering experience. Like that Shakespeare quote says, I’m thankful for another opportunity to rock the boat and see how well I can float.

Too many things came together so coincidently for me to be able to come to China, I think it’s time I start paying attention. It makes me smile to realize that this isn’t a dream and it isn’t a sequel…it’s an entirely new adventure. I feel a little foolish that it has taken me this long to come to that realization, but I suppose it is better late than never. I still have a lot of time left here. I can figure out how the pieces all fit together later, but for now, I’m going to focus on being in China and enjoying each new experience it brings.

So right now, I have a train to catch. I look forward to updating you on my trip to Suzhou when I get back!