How to Stop a Bus in China

As soon as the bus pulled out of the bust stop I realized something. I had been dehydrated when I got off the mountain. To remedy that situation, I had been chugging water for the past two hours. Now, I am sitting on a bus (that does not have a toilet on it) for a bumpy six hour bus ride back to Shanghai.

Within about 20 minutes, I needed to pee. At first, I tried to ignore it. If I could just get to sleep it wouldn’t bother me, right? I just won’t think about it. But this strategy didn’t work…at all. Not only could I not get to sleep with a full bladder, but every turn and bump the bus made only reinforced the pressure in my lower abdomen.

I thought about the bus ride here. We stopped for lunch at a truck stop, surely we’ll stop for dinner somewhere. I can make it an hour…or two…or three…

I pulled my iPhone. At Yu Cui’s suggestion, I’d downloaded Plecko, which is the #1 Chinese dictionary app on the Apple store. Typing in “English” it spit out the Chinese characters for this word. Tapping the young kid sitting to my left—he looked young enough to know some English—I showed him my phone.

He read the characters and then shook his head. I smiled.

Turning to the lady on my right, I showed her my phone too. I wasn’t surprises when she smiled and shook her head. I smiled back and turned to face forward.

Well…that sucks! I thought.

I crossed my legs and squirmed. I tried listening to music, but I think that only made it worse. I tried distracting myself by thinking of things I had to do this upcoming week…but that definitely made it worse.

If I just knew when we were going to stop, I could gauge it and maybe calm myself a little.

I pulled out Plecko again and typed in “Dinner.”

The lady to my right seemed friendlier so I turned to her and showed her the screen. She looked at the characters, and then at me a little confused. She said something in Chinese—which I assumed was clarifying if I really meant “Dinner”—and I nodded. She smiled and nodded. I tapped my watch and said, “When?”

She held out her thumb and little finger—like the American “hang-loose sign—which I knew in Chinese it means six.

“Six?” I said.

She nodded.

“Thank you!” I said.

That was just about an hour away. I could probably do that.

All of a sudden, she started rummaging through her bag and handing me food. I smiled and laughed. Typing “toilet” into Plecko, I showed it to her again. She laughed and nodded, and held up the “six” hand gesture again.

I really thought I could make it. Just sixty little minutes….but I couldn’t do it. I needed to stop and I needed to stop soon. Reaching for Plecko, I typed in “bus driver.” Showing it to the woman again, she looked really confused and pointed to the front of the bus.

“Yes,” I nodded. I started pantomiming the words as I said, “Can I go talk to the bus driver?”

She looked confused, but pulled out her cell phone. She dialed a number and said something into it before handing it to me.

“Hello?” I said.

“Hello,” a young girl on the other line said. There was a lot of static as we drove through the mountains. “My mother wants to know what you want.”

“Yes,” I said, a little relieved. “I need to know if we can pull over so I can use a toilet.”

“What?” she said.

“I need to use a toilet,” I said. “I want to know if your mother can ask the bus driver to pull over.”

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I don’t understand. Can I talk to my mother?”

I handed the phone over. Her mother said something, and they talked back and forth before handing me back the phone.

“My mother says the bus will stop at 6:00,” she said.

Well I figured that out from my one-word dictionary trick, I thought.

“Thank you,” I said and handed the phone back to her mother. They talked a little more before hanging out.

I felt embarrassed. I should have planned better and now I had no idea how to communicate “ I need to pee.” I had a feeling this was only going to get more embarrassing.  

But then something dawned on me. I don’t know how to communicate ‘I need to pee’ but peeing is the only reason you’d need a toilet. There are other uses for a toilet that can be communicated fairly effectively without any words. If this is going to get embarrassing, I might as well go all out.

Reaching down, I loosened my belt and winced. The woman next to me clearly noticed I was in pain. I shifted in my seat a bit and grunted a little as I touched my stomach as if I was in pain.

She already knows I need a toilet…I just need to create some urgency.

Grabbing my stomach with both hands, I leaned forward and groaned loudly.

“Ahhhh!” I moaned, and grimaced. ‘Uggg.”

Quickly, she unbuckled her seatbelt. Patting me on the shoulder, she smiled and said something before walking to the front of the bus.

I think it worked. I watched as she started talking to the driver and pointing at me. He looked up in the mirror and said something back. It looked like maybe they were arguing. Other people on the bus were looking back at me, so I kept up the act of squirming and holding my gut in both hands.

The man directly in front of me turned around and looked over the seat.

“Are you sick?” he asked in crystal clear English.

Well where the &@%# were you when I was on the phone with the daughter?

“Yes,” I moaned.

“I’ll make sure we stop,” he said standing up. “The next rest stop is in half a kilometer.” He went up to the front of the bus and started helping the woman talk to the bus driver. A few seconds later, we pulled off the highway.

The woman came back to her seat and smiled. I thanked her and the man. She reached in her bag and handed me a roll of toilet paper, which I accepted to keep up the act.

When we pulled into the parking lot, she pointed out her window at two buildings. I smiled and nodded. The man also turned around and pointed saying “that one.” As we parked, it turned out I was the only one who needed a bathroom, and several people got off with me.

I walked to the first building but it looked like a convenience store. I asked the woman behind the counter, “Toilet?”

She looked confused.

“W.C,” I said, spelling the letters with my fingers. She pointed at the other building.

I walked over there, and found the men’s room. Locking myself in a stall to keep up the act, I was finally able to relieve myself. As I stood in the stall, I smiled and started to giggle. I just stopped a Chinese bus, I thought to myself. And I figured it out all on my own, without speaking a word of Chinese.

Back on the bus, I again thanked the woman along with the man who helped. I returned her toilet paper and thanked her profusely in both English and Chinese. She smiled and nodded.

What an adventure! I thought. It’s always the little moments that make the best stories.