Purgatory

The train ride was actually quite comfortable. I fell asleep about 11:00 after listening to music and got a solid 7 hours in. When we stopped in Suzhou, two of my cabin-mates got off and their movement woke me up. I dozed for another hour or so but never really got back into a heavy sleep.

I had to smile a bit as I looked out the window in Suzhou. It was at this very platform, just 7 weeks ago that I was stressing myself out over the idea of traveling China. Leaning on the very railing that was now outside my train window, the gravity of what I was doing sank in. I realized I wouldn’t be able to communicate with anyone. I wouldn’t be able to read anything. And most stressful of all, I would be alone.

But here I was…on the other side of that trip…back at the same platform in Suzhou…and I did it! Everything I’d stressed about that night I said goodbye to Bryan, Johnny, Emily, and Luke was behind me. I just went on absolutely wild ride and I survived the very thing that a month ago I thought I couldn’t do.

When we rolled into Shanghai, an English audio started playing over the loud speaker. It said, “Welcome to Shanghai. Shanghai has been a destination for world travelers for centuries.” It went on to describe the lush Yuyuan Gardens, the bustling hustle of the Bund, the over commercialization of Nanjing Road, and the diverse ex-pat bars that line the streets.

As I got off the train, I started laughing. It wasn’t just a chuckle either; it was deep, hearty laugh…the kind that rolls from your stomach and echoes out of your body. Soon, warm salty tears rolled from my eyes. I was giddy and practically hysterical and I’m sure I looked like a moron. In that moment, I realized how scared I had been for the past 15 days. I never consciously felt scared, but I realized in that moment, I had been scared. I had been lonely, I had been worried, I had been stressed, and I had been fighting to keep those emotions at bay so that I could enjoy the trip. And you know what? I was totally successful at doing so. I was able to enjoy myself, live in the moment, and ride the adrenaline rush for every adventurous second of it.

But now that I was back in Shanghai, the dam broke. I felt overwhelming joy and pride that I REALLY DID IT!

At first, I thought about continuing on and going to explore some of the sites in Shanghai I haven’t seen yet, but when I got back to the apartment and laid down on the couch in one of the other interns rooms (since I checked out of mine two weeks ago) I decided that a low key day might be in order.

So I spent yesterday saving my photos, editing my journal entries, and finally re-gaining access to my blog. After taking a shower, I Skyped with my parents. It was the first time I’d talked to them in almost three weeks and only the second time we’ve talked this month. I realized I had so much to tell them but I didn’t really know where to start.

And the truth is, I feel like my head is spinning. I have so many ideas about what I want to do next—academically, professionally, personally—I don’t know where to begin. I feel like Europe opened a door for me, but China has taken me to an entirely different universe. I have an entirely different respect for myself and vision of what I want to do with my future.

And then today, I packed up and headed out. I’d talked with the other interns and we decided that having my own space for the last few days might be more desirable than couch surfing. I found a private room at a hostel for just 80USD (for all 3 nights) and decided to move in there.

But I couldn’t check in until 3:00. I needed to meet with the recruiting office to finish the paperwork and check-out process from my internship at 1:30. Once I left the apartment, I couldn’t get back in and I didn’t really want to lug my pack any further than I had to.

So I contacted John. He said I could leave my stuff at the office for the afternoon. Folding my dirty laundry into my bag and grabbing my leftovers out of the fridge, I went have lunch with my co-workers for the first time in two weeks.

“Wow!” John said. “You’ve lost weight.”

“Have I?” I said. It was funny because I did notice the other day that I am buckling both my belt and my watch several notches tighter than I always have.

It was so good to see them. I sat at my old desk and recanted my troubles in Hong Kong, my frustration in Macau, my excitement in Beijing, and my awe in Xi’an. They laughed and asked me questions about specific things I did and saw. John had to go to a lunch meeting but the four of us hung out in the kitchen for the whole lunch hour.

“It’s so nice to be back in Shanghai,” I said. “And thank you guys for texting me and checking on me while I was traveling. I feel like you all have have become my Chinese family.”

Which is kind of true. I guess I never mentioned it on the blog but before I left for my travels, they gave me the Chinese name He Ruiguang. The “He” is just a common Chinese surname that sounds like my actual surname. “Ruiguang” means “Lucky Light.”

Even when lunch was over, I stayed while Yu Cui wrote down directions for me to my meeting my hostel. I was still there when John got back from his meeting.

“I guess I’m tired of being alone,” I said. “It’s nice to have some familiar faces for a change.”

“I’m certainly not kicking you out,” he said.

I didn’t realize how late it had gotten however and I had missed my meeting with the recruiter, I texted them to tell them I was on the way and went outside to hail a cab. When I got there, they had me fill out a questionnaire rating my experience. Emma then sat with me and asked me a few questions about AllSet, John, the rest of the staff, my duties, and rather or not I would recommend AllSet to other interns…which I definitely did!

When I left, I hailed another cab and took it to my hostel. I got checked in and found my little private room. With no windows, it kind of feels like a jail cell. But it is also very cozy.

I sat down and looked through my notes of things I want to do before I leave. I feel like I’m in purgatory in a way. My trip really is “over” but yet it isn’t “over” yet. I don’t really have enough money left to do anything big, but I’ve kind of done all of the small stuff for now. I have so many things to think about, but I am not sure where to begin.

So I went outside and took a walk. As I did, I saw the sights of the Shanghai that I love: The shady trees that cover the streets, the smells of the little one room restaurants, the fruit vendors calling out to people from the backs of their trucks, the random workers playing American music on a boombox, people welding in the middle of the street with no precautions whatsoever, taxis honking, kids laughing, people hustling to where they need to go. I really am going to miss this place.